Making Light of Preventive Health

Sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. The text below is from an email chain that pokes well-intentioned fun at preventive health.* I hope it makes you laugh. The irony of it is that while the doctor’s responses are meant to present the opposite of what you should do, some nutrition and health experts actually agree with recommendations that the doctor puts forth (although for entirely different, more evidence-based reasons). For example, a growing number of practitioners believe that the benefits of exercise have been overstated and that carbohydrates, and not fats, are the primary dietary cause of disease.

Disclaimer: This blog entry is a series of jokes. The conversation presented is NOT real.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…  don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp  logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q:  Aren’t fried  foods bad for you?
A:  YOU’RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! …… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact,  they’re permeated in it.  How could  getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ is  a shape!

- Shantanu Nundy, M.D.

* I don’t know the original source of this text. If you do, please let me know.